How many years have you chased after love only to find yourself in a mess? How many heartbreaks have you had to endure? How often did you think, “What is wrong with me?”

I asked the same thing. And God answered with, “You’re desperate.” 

I prayed for thirty-nine years for God to send me a holy husband, and for twenty-eight years, I kept choosing the wrong kind of mate. At forty-four, when I couldn’t take the thought of thinking about mating another day, I cried out to God, “Father, what is it? Why am I constantly thinking about marriage during my every waking moment?”

God responded, “Because you’re desperate.”

Shamefully, I responded as my head dropped, “I know, Lord, but why?” And in that confession, I was set free. I felt the spirit of oppression leave me and I stood in the middle of the floor in shock.

“Sit down and tell me?” He answered, tenderly.

He instructed me to sit down, because I was spinning around in the middle of my bedroom floor about to lose my mind. I can only imagine what I must have looked like to Him. After I sat down on my bed, I continued to look to God for answers and He countered, “You tell me the answer.” 

I sat still, thinking; tell you, I need you to tell me! I honestly didn’t know the answer until He asked, “When did the desire for a husband first begin?”

After a brief mental reflection, I blurted out, “When I was six!”

“Why?” He probed.

“Because, I wanted someone to hold me, kiss me and tell me that I was special, and everything was going to be all right,” I replied with deep regret, realizing how silly that sounded, but how true the need was.

God counseled, “It’s not marriage you wanted, it was affection that you were seeking.”

Instantly, the light came on in me. I never thought about that, but it made absolute since. My childhood was a peculiar one. As a child, I didn’t get the affection that I should have. In fact, I really didn’t get any, which left me longing for it. I needed the security of hugs, kisses, and validation from my parents, all children do. For me, it was especially missed, because I had a heart condition that kept me in the doctor’s office, and in constant fear for my life. My family wasn’t the affectionate type, and I only saw open affection on television between a man and a woman, and that’s why I longed for a husband, at six years old. 

God then asked me a question that changed me forever. He said, “Why are you always thinking about marriage when there is no one around to marry? You are not seeing anyone!”

At first, my feelings were hurt, but the more I thought about what He said, the funnier the question became. He was right—I wasn’t seeing anybody! I didn’t even have the prospect of seeing anybody! There were no gentlemen callers, but I was obsessed with getting married, and that was the catalyst for making all the wrong decisions.

All those years I was searching for affection! I was an emotional wreck and I couldn’t believe that I went through all those bad relationships chasing after affection; just so I could feel connected and emotionally validated. Oh, my goodness!!! 

The next morning when I woke up God took me on a four-hour journey into desperation and inspiration. And that was just the beginning, for eight consecutive years He taught me the value of being whole and how to prepare for “Holy Matrimony.” I want to share the journey with you in the hopes that you will also be set free. But let me warn you, it won’t be easy, you will have to take a good look at yourself and be honest about where you are and how you got there. If you are willing to except the truth, you will be set free.

For years, my first thought in the morning was, “I need a husband.” I could not understand why I needed a husband, I just wanted one, desperately. The day I had that life changing encounter with God, I was having an emotional breakdown. I couldn’t take it anymore. 

The next day, I learned from God that desperation is a spirit that has its root cause in hurt and abandonment, which causes low self-esteem and insecurity, which then causes you to be emotionally needy. It usually stems from childhood issues due to being surrounded by unsaved family, friends, mentors, teachers and enemies; who will wreak havoc in your life because they are so broken inside. 

We are all born unsaved, but if we are fortunate to be born into a family of believers, we are very blessed. They have the ability to guide us to paths of righteousness and love us in a way that makes us feel secure. Basically, they can lead you to Christ and love you with the love of God. However, if we are not so fortunate to be born into a family of believers, we will be lucky to escape childhood with our sanity. These family members will sometimes knowingly and unknowingly be the main cause of our hurt and abandonment issues. This will leave us suffering from low self-esteem and insecurity.

When I looked up the definition of desperation this is what I saw, “A loss of hope and surrender to despair. 2. A state of hopelessness leading to rashness” (Merriam-Webster, 2008). Then I looked up rashness and its definition is, “Having or showing little regard for consequences: too hasty in decision, action, or speech” (Merriam-Webster, 2008).

Wow!!! Desperation causes us to act out in all sorts of crazy ways. Think about it. Take a moment to reflect back on all of your ungodly relationships (the crazy person that tried to stalk you, the person you weren’t even attracted to, but you dated anyway just because the person was there, the person you gave all your money to trying to buy their love and affection, the person or people you gave your intimacy to when they could’ve cared less about your heart, your mind or your body; they just wanted sex). All this rash behavior was a direct result of desperation. 

God taught me that desperation is the key strategy that Satan uses to mismatch us so that he can destroy our purpose. If he can get you off course in your dating and mating life, then he can distract you. And instead of ministering to your mate and with your mate, you’ll spend your entire relationship fighting with them. When this occurs, no ministry is being accomplished and therefore, God is not being glorified, the church is not being edified, the lost are not being sanctified, and you surely are not being satisfied.

We really must understand that relationships are created for purpose. It’s a ministry from beginning to end. And when done correctly everyone involved will be blessed by the union. It will not only minister to and prosper the couple; it will bless everyone around it. God said to me, “You will always be able to tell a good relationship, because it will bless everyone in it and around it.”

Let’s look at the example of our first parents, Adam and Eve. “Then God said, ‘Let us make man in our image, in our likeness, and let them rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air, over the livestock, over all the earth, and over all the creatures that move along the ground. So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them. God blessed them and said to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number; fill the earth and subdue it. Rule over the fish of the sea and the birds of the air and over every living creature that moves on the ground’” (Genesis 1: 28, NIV).

God did the same with Noah, his sons and their wives, “Then God blessed Noah and his sons, saying to them, ‘Be fruitful and increase in number and fill the earth’” (Genesis 9:1, NIV).

Now we can see that relationships have purpose beyond our selfish needs. And they should be regarded as sacred. I’ll address relationships in-depth later, but for now understand the purpose of it, so that you’ll realize God’s rationale for mating. 

In the coming weeks we’ll cover:

1. Getting Acquainted with Love

2. Rising above the hurt

3. Discovering your purpose in love

4. Becoming a suitable mate

5. Choosing a suitable mate

6. Understand how to stay married

Be blessed and encouraged. God is able to take that which is broken and make it whole again. 

“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds” (Psalm 147:3).